What is love? What a cliche question...

Hello again and welcome to the second post in my mini series of posts called "Drafts and Past Thoughts" in which I am posting some past drafts, that never made it to my blog. To try and date when this post was written I would say around February 2016. I hope this may help anyone in some way and most of all I hope you enjoy! - leelou

As a young child we all dream of a life that we think we're all destined to have; to find the person of our dreams, marry them and have a beautiful family. We build these dreams up in our heads. We imagine these families, two girls maybe, or maybe four boys; you still haven't figured out the details. All that matters is that you found the person of your dreams and you know life couldn't be better; you find your whole. As a young children believe this will happen to each and everyone of us, but as we get older we began to see that not everyone is so lucky.

I have come to a point in my life where I've hit an end, as I begin to look around at people and realize how many don't ever get married and don't ever have a family. I know this isn't the main goal in life, because having an amazing job or traveling are an equally rewarding things do with your life, but having someone to share these memories with is important too. I'm not a hopeless romantic and I don't believe in love in first sight, and fears have got the best of me.

I've learned so much about myself over the past 2 years of college and I know I can face things on my own, but the scary part is never getting to share these feelings with someone I truly trust.

I've started to consider the fact that not I might not ever find someone to be with, or to have a family with and that is an extremely scary fact. At this point in my life I fear for never finding anyone.

I fear of never truly feeling love. 

I fear of settling.

I fear if finding the perfect person is not possible for me.

I fear that I am not capable of love.

I fear that will never feel romantic feelings towards another person.

I fear that I will never be loved by another person.

I fear I will never have a family of my own.

I fear to go through life without know what love is.

The constant eternal question..."what is love?" I hope one day I'll know.

Pondering thoughts late at Night

Hello all! This is the first in my mini series of posts called "Drafts and Past Thoughts" in which I am posting some past drafts, that never made it to my blog. To try and date when this post was written I would say around November 2015. I hope this may help anyone in some way and most of all I hope you enjoy! - leelou

Recently I've been wondering about what people are actually thinking when they see someone they think is attractive. I've been reading up a lot about Primary and Secondary attraction and I still can't seem to wrap my head around it all. According to the numerous sites primary attraction is when a person finds another person attractive essentially based on first impressions and physical features, such as their look and even smell. Secondary attraction is the attraction developed over time based on a relationship you have with the person, based more on an emotional connection through personality and shared experiences.

What I can't get is Primary attraction. I can see someone has nice features but I can't see the sexual attraction to someone you don't know. I honestly wonder when girls awe over Channing Tatum. I wonder if they are experiencing primary attraction towards him or are they only agreeing in the fear to be the only one not going gaga over him. I can see how girls see him as attractive, as he is portrayed as a "manly man" but I don't feel anything for him when I look at him. I can also appreciate the good looks of someone like James Franco, but I don't think I feel anything on the terms of primary attraction. I yearn more to be his friend because I enjoy his personality and humour and I think we would really just hit it off.

The struggle I've been finding myself in, is: How do you know what Primary Sexual attraction feels like and if you are feeling it.

I feel like I may never of even had a crush on someone in the terms of primary attraction. I can see good features and what is pleasing to the eye, but that's about it.

I feel like I'm more attracted to someone because of their personality, but even then I feel no need to push that relationship further than friends. I enjoy them as a person and I'd prefer to have interesting conversations.

I'm just curious what people feel when they see a shirtless picture of a guy, again lets use Channing Tatum as the example. Do you feel anything from that? Because all I see is a photo, and one that I don't even care for. I have no yearning to save it as my desktop photo or phone background... I'm just confused by this whole fascination... Do people really feel things for people they don't know and for celebrities they don't know?

I still can't figure it out and when shown a shirtless photo or a photo of a guy my friend is dating I can never come up with an appropriate response other than "oh, nice" and nodding. The problem I have is that I never been a person to use the word "hot." I've never said a guy is "hot" and I'm not sure why.

-leelou

Drafts on Drafts on Drafts

I recently rediscovered my password to this blog (I've been locked out forever!) and was welcomed by a stash of drafts that I am going to post over the next few days. It was quite a journey taking a quick look back on them. It was interesting to see all these thoughts and ideas I was internally struggling with at different points in the past year, which I came here to vent them out. They're an interesting look at self discovery and self doubt, and although they are quite personal I feel like sharing them might just help someone else. I know it would help me to know someone else is struggling in the same ways as me, and so this has pushed me to posting them. However during reading over these old posts, I hit the "save" button. So I can no longer give an exact time stamp to these posts, which is a bit of a bummer....but without further adieu, I hope you enjoy this mini series of "Drafts and Past Thoughts."

-leelou

Sad 'lil Halloween. Sew Spoopy. Sew Scary.

Today marks another Halloween. Exactly 7:33pm on October 31st, 2015 and I'm here writing. Writing this blog post. I like Halloween, and but I find myself now at 7:35pm with nowhere to go. Living in residence on my college campus there should be no excuses for me not to go out, there's probably tons of places to hit up some Halloween festivities, but still I'm here. I'm not a big party person, and I'm horrible with large groups of drunk people that I don't know. The bottom line is I'm horrible at parties, I can't do them. A few months back I watched the movie "The Zero Theorem" and this particular quote has stuck with me, "We fear parties. We never know quite where to stand." This odd little quote perfectly sums up how I feel at parties. I also never know where to put my hands. Hands are weird. Should I put them in my pockets, crossed them or just let them hang dead to my side? I don't know! I really don't know.A drink in your hand does help with this problem.

So today, on Halloween, I have decided to be a sad lil Halloween kid and have a sad lil Halloween by myself.

Maybe I'll even celebrate with a non-horror movie (I can't do horror movies by myself.)

Hope everyone else is having the most lovely Halloween. Celebrate in any way that seems right, even if it is just watching a movie alone, cause hey, that's what I'm doing!

-Leelou

Things you thought would happen as Teen

The other day someone asked me how old I was, and it always takes me a moment to remember and then swiftly answer "19." (For some reason I can never seem to remember how old I am, and then my birthday is back around and I need to remember a new number. The struggle!!)

Later that day my mom said to me "you're almost 20, and you will no longer be a teenager," which came to me as a bit of a shock. Although I could have easily realized this myself, it really hadn't crossed my mind. While I was trying to fall asleep that night the thought slipped back into my mind, as these things normally do. I continued to ponder on that one line my mom had said and I began to realize how many teenager-esc things I seemed to have missed out on. Although these are not life threatening and things could obviously be much worse, but it still sort of sucks.

I did however go to prom, but I was too scared to ask anyone and everyone I talked to was shocked I was even going (which I don't blame as the reason no one asked me, but still no one asked me, which in a way was a relief.) I have been to at least one high school party and have been once specifically invited to a party by someone (which is very rare for me), instead of just being dragged along by a friend, so I haven't missed out on everything. I seemed to have hit the major teenager-esc things off the list. Although I've been to parties I've never actually been drunk (I take too long to drink anything and then I get bored. I've been told shots would be better for me? Maybe? I haven't tried yet...) I've also never had a boyfriend or been on a date what-so-ever. I know for a fact these things are not uncommon for many, there's tons of girls and guys that haven't gone on a date that are going into their early 20s so it doesn't really bother me, it will happen when it happens and right now I'm happy.

To be honest I don't feel the need to rush and ask someone out just so I can say I went on a date before I'm 20. As things like this don't really matter in the big picture of things, they happen when they happen. There is no one way to live your life, so if you're like me and still haven't went on a date or missed some other teenage-esc experience that you expected to happen, don't feel like you're missing out, don't worry about it, it will happen when it should. Just know you're not the only one, you never are.

-leelou

Abandoned Mustang Drive-In

Not far from where I live is an abandoned Drive-In, the Mustang Drive-In. About a month ago I finally made the trip out to see the Drive-In for myself after having seen a few Facebook albums posted by my friends. I was pretty excited about visiting the Drive-In and I felt pretty hardcore for going to an abandoned building. However, upon arriving I found out how trashed this little piece of history had become. In the photos my friends had taken it looked perfectly untouched and now trash was thrown about, vulgar words were scribbled onto the walls and windows were smashed which left it a little tricky to make my way around without slicing through a shoe. Although the Mustang Drive-In wasn't as beautiful and untouched as I hoped it to be, I was still able to snap a few great shots. I can't deny how much better it would have been seeing it untouched, but it was still quite the adventure and I did have fun, and that's what really counts in the end, right?

Below is some of the images I took while visiting. Enjoy!

☀ Best Movies I've seen this Summer ☀

I'm a bit of a nerd when it comes to movies. What exactly do I mean by "nerd" you ask? Well, before I continue with this post I'll try to give you better idea. For example: If we were ever to bump into each other in a public place (*insert your favourite place to dine*) or simply out in the streets (*insert the town you currently reside in*) and we happen to get into a conversation about movies, well you might not hear end of it. As I get excited about my favourites and recount all my favourite scenes, lines and actors I probably won't notice that you silently crept away a good 10 minutes ago. I'd probably still be laughing at all those great one liners I just said to myself, hoping for a little giggle from you, but you've already left (how rude!) No worries I don't hold a grudge, you were nice enough to endure I few minutes of that.

Movies are a big part of my life and if you were to tell me you don't enjoy movies, you might have to repeat yourself twice. I can honestly say I spend a great deal of time watching movies, sometimes purposely bad movies (and by bad I just mean bad acting, bad storyline, that kind of thing. wait what were you thinking?!) but most of the time I enjoy searching for critically acclaimed films, independent films, festival nominated/winning films, good ol'classics or something just out of the ordinary.

My favourite thing about finding a good movie is that feeling you get, the feeling of being sucked right in, you feel like you're right there with all the characters living it out, where emotions run high and the thrill of watching is off the charts. When a movie is like this I know it's going to be an instant classic in my books.

So to get on with the show, as the say in the film (does anyone actually say that in film?) let's get on with this post.

As follows is a list of the best movies I've watched this summer, some just hit theatres and some have been out for a number of years, but all of them I have watched over the past few months. They were definitely hard to rank (#1 being my very favourite, #10 the least, but still so much a favourite♥) because I truly love all the movies I included in this list. So as follows...

MY TOP 10 MOVIES I'VE SEEN THIS SUMMER

**Note I linked trailers of all the movies to their titles! Enjoy**

#1 - Interstellar

#2 - Whiplash

 

#3 - Mad Max: Fury Road

 

  

#4 - Celeste and Jesse Forever

#5 - Titanic

 

#6 - Amelie

 #7 - Ex Machina

 

#8 - Nightcrawler

 #9 - Frank

  

#10 - Magic in the Moonlight