Pondering thoughts late at Night

Hello all! This is the first in my mini series of posts called "Drafts and Past Thoughts" in which I am posting some past drafts, that never made it to my blog. To try and date when this post was written I would say around November 2015. I hope this may help anyone in some way and most of all I hope you enjoy! - leelou

Recently I've been wondering about what people are actually thinking when they see someone they think is attractive. I've been reading up a lot about Primary and Secondary attraction and I still can't seem to wrap my head around it all. According to the numerous sites primary attraction is when a person finds another person attractive essentially based on first impressions and physical features, such as their look and even smell. Secondary attraction is the attraction developed over time based on a relationship you have with the person, based more on an emotional connection through personality and shared experiences.

What I can't get is Primary attraction. I can see someone has nice features but I can't see the sexual attraction to someone you don't know. I honestly wonder when girls awe over Channing Tatum. I wonder if they are experiencing primary attraction towards him or are they only agreeing in the fear to be the only one not going gaga over him. I can see how girls see him as attractive, as he is portrayed as a "manly man" but I don't feel anything for him when I look at him. I can also appreciate the good looks of someone like James Franco, but I don't think I feel anything on the terms of primary attraction. I yearn more to be his friend because I enjoy his personality and humour and I think we would really just hit it off.

The struggle I've been finding myself in, is: How do you know what Primary Sexual attraction feels like and if you are feeling it.

I feel like I may never of even had a crush on someone in the terms of primary attraction. I can see good features and what is pleasing to the eye, but that's about it.

I feel like I'm more attracted to someone because of their personality, but even then I feel no need to push that relationship further than friends. I enjoy them as a person and I'd prefer to have interesting conversations.

I'm just curious what people feel when they see a shirtless picture of a guy, again lets use Channing Tatum as the example. Do you feel anything from that? Because all I see is a photo, and one that I don't even care for. I have no yearning to save it as my desktop photo or phone background... I'm just confused by this whole fascination... Do people really feel things for people they don't know and for celebrities they don't know?

I still can't figure it out and when shown a shirtless photo or a photo of a guy my friend is dating I can never come up with an appropriate response other than "oh, nice" and nodding. The problem I have is that I never been a person to use the word "hot." I've never said a guy is "hot" and I'm not sure why.

-leelou

Things you thought would happen as Teen

The other day someone asked me how old I was, and it always takes me a moment to remember and then swiftly answer "19." (For some reason I can never seem to remember how old I am, and then my birthday is back around and I need to remember a new number. The struggle!!)

Later that day my mom said to me "you're almost 20, and you will no longer be a teenager," which came to me as a bit of a shock. Although I could have easily realized this myself, it really hadn't crossed my mind. While I was trying to fall asleep that night the thought slipped back into my mind, as these things normally do. I continued to ponder on that one line my mom had said and I began to realize how many teenager-esc things I seemed to have missed out on. Although these are not life threatening and things could obviously be much worse, but it still sort of sucks.

I did however go to prom, but I was too scared to ask anyone and everyone I talked to was shocked I was even going (which I don't blame as the reason no one asked me, but still no one asked me, which in a way was a relief.) I have been to at least one high school party and have been once specifically invited to a party by someone (which is very rare for me), instead of just being dragged along by a friend, so I haven't missed out on everything. I seemed to have hit the major teenager-esc things off the list. Although I've been to parties I've never actually been drunk (I take too long to drink anything and then I get bored. I've been told shots would be better for me? Maybe? I haven't tried yet...) I've also never had a boyfriend or been on a date what-so-ever. I know for a fact these things are not uncommon for many, there's tons of girls and guys that haven't gone on a date that are going into their early 20s so it doesn't really bother me, it will happen when it happens and right now I'm happy.

To be honest I don't feel the need to rush and ask someone out just so I can say I went on a date before I'm 20. As things like this don't really matter in the big picture of things, they happen when they happen. There is no one way to live your life, so if you're like me and still haven't went on a date or missed some other teenage-esc experience that you expected to happen, don't feel like you're missing out, don't worry about it, it will happen when it should. Just know you're not the only one, you never are.

-leelou