What is love? What a cliche question...

Hello again and welcome to the second post in my mini series of posts called "Drafts and Past Thoughts" in which I am posting some past drafts, that never made it to my blog. To try and date when this post was written I would say around February 2016. I hope this may help anyone in some way and most of all I hope you enjoy! - leelou

As a young child we all dream of a life that we think we're all destined to have; to find the person of our dreams, marry them and have a beautiful family. We build these dreams up in our heads. We imagine these families, two girls maybe, or maybe four boys; you still haven't figured out the details. All that matters is that you found the person of your dreams and you know life couldn't be better; you find your whole. As a young children believe this will happen to each and everyone of us, but as we get older we began to see that not everyone is so lucky.

I have come to a point in my life where I've hit an end, as I begin to look around at people and realize how many don't ever get married and don't ever have a family. I know this isn't the main goal in life, because having an amazing job or traveling are an equally rewarding things do with your life, but having someone to share these memories with is important too. I'm not a hopeless romantic and I don't believe in love in first sight, and fears have got the best of me.

I've learned so much about myself over the past 2 years of college and I know I can face things on my own, but the scary part is never getting to share these feelings with someone I truly trust.

I've started to consider the fact that not I might not ever find someone to be with, or to have a family with and that is an extremely scary fact. At this point in my life I fear for never finding anyone.

I fear of never truly feeling love. 

I fear of settling.

I fear if finding the perfect person is not possible for me.

I fear that I am not capable of love.

I fear that will never feel romantic feelings towards another person.

I fear that I will never be loved by another person.

I fear I will never have a family of my own.

I fear to go through life without know what love is.

The constant eternal question..."what is love?" I hope one day I'll know.

Pondering thoughts late at Night

Hello all! This is the first in my mini series of posts called "Drafts and Past Thoughts" in which I am posting some past drafts, that never made it to my blog. To try and date when this post was written I would say around November 2015. I hope this may help anyone in some way and most of all I hope you enjoy! - leelou

Recently I've been wondering about what people are actually thinking when they see someone they think is attractive. I've been reading up a lot about Primary and Secondary attraction and I still can't seem to wrap my head around it all. According to the numerous sites primary attraction is when a person finds another person attractive essentially based on first impressions and physical features, such as their look and even smell. Secondary attraction is the attraction developed over time based on a relationship you have with the person, based more on an emotional connection through personality and shared experiences.

What I can't get is Primary attraction. I can see someone has nice features but I can't see the sexual attraction to someone you don't know. I honestly wonder when girls awe over Channing Tatum. I wonder if they are experiencing primary attraction towards him or are they only agreeing in the fear to be the only one not going gaga over him. I can see how girls see him as attractive, as he is portrayed as a "manly man" but I don't feel anything for him when I look at him. I can also appreciate the good looks of someone like James Franco, but I don't think I feel anything on the terms of primary attraction. I yearn more to be his friend because I enjoy his personality and humour and I think we would really just hit it off.

The struggle I've been finding myself in, is: How do you know what Primary Sexual attraction feels like and if you are feeling it.

I feel like I may never of even had a crush on someone in the terms of primary attraction. I can see good features and what is pleasing to the eye, but that's about it.

I feel like I'm more attracted to someone because of their personality, but even then I feel no need to push that relationship further than friends. I enjoy them as a person and I'd prefer to have interesting conversations.

I'm just curious what people feel when they see a shirtless picture of a guy, again lets use Channing Tatum as the example. Do you feel anything from that? Because all I see is a photo, and one that I don't even care for. I have no yearning to save it as my desktop photo or phone background... I'm just confused by this whole fascination... Do people really feel things for people they don't know and for celebrities they don't know?

I still can't figure it out and when shown a shirtless photo or a photo of a guy my friend is dating I can never come up with an appropriate response other than "oh, nice" and nodding. The problem I have is that I never been a person to use the word "hot." I've never said a guy is "hot" and I'm not sure why.

-leelou

Drafts on Drafts on Drafts

I recently rediscovered my password to this blog (I've been locked out forever!) and was welcomed by a stash of drafts that I am going to post over the next few days. It was quite a journey taking a quick look back on them. It was interesting to see all these thoughts and ideas I was internally struggling with at different points in the past year, which I came here to vent them out. They're an interesting look at self discovery and self doubt, and although they are quite personal I feel like sharing them might just help someone else. I know it would help me to know someone else is struggling in the same ways as me, and so this has pushed me to posting them. However during reading over these old posts, I hit the "save" button. So I can no longer give an exact time stamp to these posts, which is a bit of a bummer....but without further adieu, I hope you enjoy this mini series of "Drafts and Past Thoughts."

-leelou